What is Detachment?

When someone says to you something you do not like, you may become disappointed, angry, or upset. Your happiness and actions depend on them, right? Wrong. When you value other peoples’ opinions more than you value your own thoughts and estimations of yourself, you allow them to influence your happiness. Through detachment, you may listen to what they say, but as if they are saying it about someone else. If they are right, you can benefit from what they say. If they are wrong, you go on with your life as if nothing was said.

Detachment is when you are not disturbed or agitated by your or other people’s emotions and thoughts. When you stay calm and in control of yourself and your moods in every situation, you show how your inner peace, inner strength, and courage. Instead of getting nervous, angry, or unhappy when things go wrong, you stay composed and try again, experiencing your feelings without allowing them to control you.

It is not about indifference; indifferent people do not care, are not active, and do not display initiative. On the other hand, a detached person can be very active and caring, but if he cannot do or change something, it does not disturb his peace of mind. If whatever he does doesn’t work, he stays peaceful and will either try again or forget the matter.

If you are detached, you allow people the freedom to be themselves while holding yourself back from the need to rescue, save, or fix them; giving them the space to be him or herself while accepting that you cannot change or control them. You have to establish emotional boundaries in order that you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy. You are free to feel your own feelings and when you see another person falter and fail, you are not led by guilt to feel responsible for them. It means that you can maintain an emotional bond of love, concern, and caring without being controlling. All things in life must be put into a healthy, rational perspective… you need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable.

To become a fully healthy and coping individual, you must let go of the people who control you. Although you may still have feelings for those from which you have become detached, you will have given them the freedom to become what they will be by their own merit… it’s their own personal responsibility, not yours. They need to find themselves to be a unique, self-sufficient being.

Letting go does not mean that you stop caring by cutting yourself off. It’s not to take care for, but to care about… not to fix but to be supportive. It is not to judge or criticize or regulate anyone, but to allow another to be fallible. It’s not about being protective; it’s permitting another to face reality. It is not to nag, scold, or argue, but to realize your own personal shortcomings and correct them. It is not about denial and regretting the past, but accepting it and growing and living for the future.

Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you; all other things are unchangeable. Change your expectations that things will be better than what they really are. Continue to give no person the power to affect or impact your feelings about yourself; you have to accept your feelings as your responsibility and not blame others for the way you feel.

You can always maintain an inner state of detachment and make plans, work, and live an active life. You can love but still be emotionally and mentally unaffected by circumstances out of your control. Don’t think that being detached is to be bitter and aloof. You can't be that way when you love and care for a person; it sounds so distant and unreachable. It’s not the end all be all… nothing is ever final.


Love,
Kacki